Kirk Herbstreit Moves To Nashville: The SEC Country Survival Guide

Columnist Steven Godfrey forecasts the inevitable meeting between Tennessee's newest resident, Kirk Herbstreit, and the locals.

OH SNAP. TANNER! HOYT! BROS, THAT'S KIRK HERBSTREIT.

Dude, HERBIE. Hey, what's up, man. Look: I see you're eating dinner with your family, but look, I read about that business in Ohio, bro. I just want to say, that is just, that is just unacceptable, sir. But you know what? Welcome to SEC Country. GO VAWLS, BABY!

You're not gonna deal with nonsense from fans like that here, bro. This is Cashville! This is the SOUTH, and it's about treating people right. Don't worry about what you heard. Just live and let live, bro, you'll be fine as long as you don't ever, ever appear on talk radio in like, three of the neighboring states.

And don't read any of the SEC message boards. You know what - If you do, mask your IP. And check your yard's soil ph levels like, twice a month. And you got kids, right? Yeah, look at these little guys! Might want to mix up a few of those names, pick out a really generic, Protestant last name before you enroll at the local schools. Just sayin'. Go with a couple schools, too man. Just in case someone makes a run - you know? Like the Sullivans.

You want a drink, man? YOU WANT A DRINK. HEY, TANNER, GET KIRK HERBSTREIT A DRINK. NO, TANNER. NO. NO. THE KIND WITH RUMPLEMINTZ.

Look, man, I'm OK with the Buckeyes. It's about supporting different lifestyles, bro. I know how it is - I got a cousin moved up north - Mannassas, Virginia - when he was 13. Guy's got one of those jawline beard now, wears Billabong cargo shorts every day. And hey, that's just another lifestyle.

Oh, real quick: you know what man - just don't go down I-65 South. In fact, look, good rule for a bro like you with Alabama: Anything you hear in a Drive-By-Truckers album, just give those towns a 40-mile buffer. You don't listen to the Truckers? Bro, I'll admit, it's not as solid a concert "experience" as Chesney, but when he gets Buffet out there? BRO, THAT'S JUST NOT EVEN FAIR. Nah, don't worry, you're straight dude. Promise.

HERBY! MAN! Awesome to have you in Nashville and the SEC, bro. And don't worry about all that maize and yellow stuff, man. Oh you didn't know? Yeah, 615 caught half the Michigan breadline a decade back building that damn Saturn plant. Yeah, you've probably got about 30,000 snowbirds getting drunk on Broadway every weekend. Oh yeah - you didn't think Southerners bought Rascal Flats tickets, did you?

Oh. Really? You do? Well hey, look, it's cool. Hey man, we used that "My Wish" for my pledge class' charity golf scramble to promote diabetes awareness. It's about perspective. But look, you can go out in public on Tuesday and Thursday - we've got one of those expansion hockey team just like Columbus. They get goin' on that, bro You know! THIS GUY KNOWS MICHIGAN, BROS. That expansion hockey is like jamming peanut butter in a dog toy - they pick that shit apart for hours, bro.

Hey man: ERIN ANDREWS! RIGHT? Look, I'm not even gonna ask. I respect that, man. You don't even have to put it out there. But I know. HEY: You wanna see that peephole at the West End Marriot? HELL YES YOU DO. It's cool man, it's cool. Rite of passage. We did after Clark and Tanner popped their cherry selling HMOs to a couple private equity firms. Got WRECKED.

So look man, I hear things, OK? My sister's roommate's cousin from Kingston used to hook up with Peyton at UT. I'mma throw some names for you to put together: Mike Hamilton. Les Miles. HOYT! HOYT! GET THIS MAN A SHOT!

No? No? You sure? Come on. No? Hey man, that's cool. Just happy have you, bro.

Hey man, last question - you know Clay Travis? I got a book idea.

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