South Carolina Football To Open 2012 On ESPN, Even If It Means Dating Vanderbilt

We're Y2K certain of the hysteria South Carolina's absence on ESPN's opening night slate of college football games will unleash across the country four Thursdays from now. How we'll be able to recognize the start of our one true holiday season without the Gamecocks dismantling a paycheck opponent is a plight we'll all survive differently, but rest assured, television viewer - it's merely a blip.

The Nashville Tennessean is reporting that Vanderbilt has been asked by ESPN and South Carolina to move their game against the 'Cocks up to start the 2012 season on a Thursday night. Vandy, that stately old broad, has a dance card already full that weekend with a much more polite and mannered team of gentlemen from South Carolina (something called a Presbyterian Blue Hose... lacrosse, maybe?) and simply don't know how to respond to such boorish and unmannered demands:

Vanderbilt Vice Chancellor of Athletics David Williams said the Southeastern Conference recently spoke to him about altering the schedule. SEC associate director of media relations Chuck Dunlap said the conference is in its last year of a scheduling cycle and "we have not finalized — even internally — the 2012 schedule yet." 

"And we haven't a thing to wear, either!" Williams then hung up his rotary phone and politely excused himself from the parlor to his dressing area, where he squealed with delight and began rythymically brushing his hair.

Call us buzzkills, but we're pretty sure this ends with the 'Dores dumping the FCS team to chase a Thursday night date with South Carolina, arguably the most shameless of ESPN's national coverage sluts south of the MAC, and then waiting by the phone for weeks after, fighting back tears and reassembling their dignity.

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