Your week 13 SEC and ACC football schedule. All times EST.
Usually we keep separate weekly streams going for SEC and ACC football, but Hate Week is upon us. So [integration joke], and no more [inbreeding joke], but [apologizing for offending every Southerner]. Haters gonna hate, as always, but this week haters gonna shake off turkey comas in time for the best college football weekend of the year:
No. 2 Auburn Tigers at No. 11 Alabama Crimson Tide, 2:30 Friday, CBS: The SEC purist's national championship game, since that conference-sanctioned deal over in Atlanta takes place in an NFL stadium, and we aren't about to crown a team for winning in the building of an inferior football team. Auburn will be without two defensive linemen -- make that three once Nick Fairley tries that crap in Bryant-Denny. Also, Cam Newton Cam Newton Cam Newton?
Virginia Cavaliers at No. 16 Virginia Tech Hokies, noon, ESPN3: Did you know Virginia absolutely owns the Hokies at all sports besides football and softball? Look at these all-time series records: 15-0 in women's lacrosse, 24-1 in men's swimming, 25-1 in women's swimming, 35-4-1 in men's soccer ... I think the closest one is baseball, which is only a 85-77 UVA advantage. Cool story, bro. Hokies make it seven in a row.
South Florida Bulls at Miami Hurricanes, noon, ESPNU: Georgia St. Panthers, Kennesaw St. Owls, and Mercer Bears fans, this is what you have to aspire to. Start a football program out of nowhere, claw your way to the FBS, and seven years later land Miami in a rivalry game because who else would they play?
Boston College Eagles at Syracuse Orange, noon, ESPN or ESPN3: The good news is Cuse won't be going to a BCS game, like we were all afraid of a couple weeks ago. The bad news is another four- or five-loss Big East team will. Also, BC and Miami are the only ACC or SEC teams to play non-ACC or SEC teams this week. Why can't BC and Miami just Hate Week it up together? Besides the fact that they're 25 hours apart?
Kentucky Wildcats at Tennessee Volunteers, 12:21, SEC Network or ESPN3: So rooting for Derek Dooley to finish his traumatic first season with a five-game winning streak, mainly because I hope he's still around in four years so Kennesaw St.'s Vince Dooley can hook us up a game with the Vols. Promise I won't find a way to mention KSU any more. A win over Big Blue gets Tennessee into a bowl.
No. 5 LSU Tigers at No. 12 Arkansas Razorbacks, 3:30, CBS: What if these two and the Mississippi schools just started their own NCAA or whatever and played a monthly round robin all autumn? Wouldn't that be awesome? So many overtimes.
No. 23 N.C. State Wolfpack at Maryland Terrapins, 3:30, ESPN2 or ESPN3: The ACC Atlantic Division Championship Game, sort of. Pack wins and they're in. Pack loses and FSU is in. As an ACC sympathizer, I'm actually OK with either. Somehow the wackiest conference's wackiest season in recent memory could actually produce a watchable title game.
Florida Gators at No. 22 Florida St. Seminoles, 3:30, ABC or ESPN3: Before the season, I predicted this would be the biggest Hate Week showdown. By biggest I meant most grueling, as Florida's freshly installed offense is only slightly better than the one that put fewer points on Bama than did Georgia St.'s kick return unit, and FSU only seems capable of winning via 173-yard field goals and #ACCrefs. Still: all you need is hate.
No. 18 South Carolina Gamecocks at Clemson Tigers, 7, ESPN2: Let's say you're the ACC, and God presented you the following offer. Would you accept your eventual champion losing to James Madison in week two in return for your most mediocre team beating the eventual SEC champion? You would accept this deal. And then it wouldn't happen anyway, because God was testing you, and now next year's ACCCG will pit Maryland against Virginia. Sorry.
Wake Forest Demon Deacons at Vanderbilt Commodores, 7:30, ESPN3: The pre-1963 Vietnam War of Southeastern college football games, as two forgotten backwaters* suddenly become vested with the braggin' rights responsibilities of two entire conferences. No matter which team wins, the creeping tide of college basketball sweeps the nation soon after, so maybe the joke's on you, red-blooded 'merican football fan.
* In football terms, mind you. Vandy could purchase the entire Sun Belt Conference if it really wanted to.
Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets at Georgia Bulldogs, 7:45, ESPN or ESPN3: The obvious main event after seven games involving ranked teams, or rather the perfect complement to Wake-Vandy given the records of this year's Clean, Old-Fashioned Haters. Yes, this is definitely more Wake-Vandy than it is Auburn-Bama. Go here for all our previews and live coverage and snarling-ass hate.