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Cam Newton Investigation: When Andy Kennedy Tells You To Tap The Brakes, Listen

Are you shocked the NCAA's investigation of Auburn's recruitment of Cam Newton isn't over? Of course you aren't. And just like you, the dogged NCAA has become a haggard, jaded shell of themselves - they're just hanging on by a thread in this corrupt world, awash in the cold comfort booze and ladies, mending a broken heart handed out by a bitch named justice. They're Popeye Doyle in an institutional format, and eventually their frustration with a broken system will boil over, and they'll just shoot Gene Chizik in the back.*

Such a perverted sense of law and order might balance out, considering Chizik's smarmy, heelish interrogating of VP of Enforcement Julie Roe Lach as to why the Newton investigation was "open ended" during a seminar on infractions at the SEC's annual meetings in Destin last month.

In all things, perspective: If you needed proof of Chizik's stunning poor form in this instance, look no further than the fact that he's simultaneously on a book tour supporting a yarn of God, family, football, God, masterstroke hiring of offensive coordinators, God, plausible deniability and a husky boy's helping of God, God, God, Lifeway Bookstores God, at the same time he's bullying guest speakers on a panel about general compliance how-to's.

Need more, Opelika Pravda constituent? Consider that of the four SEC coaches who went on record with the New York Times confirming the event (all are basketball coaches, none are Kentucky, and thus not as LOL-y), none other Ole Miss' Andy "International Incident" Kennedy, the genetically crossbred superspecies of Bob Huggins, House of Pain, and the rogues gallery of "Justified," expressed his reservations at Chizik's behavior: 

"I think the format of the meeting was set up to be generally about the lay of the land going forward," Kennedy continued. "When he got into specific questions regarding their situation, I think we were all sitting back saying, ‘I didn’t know that we were going here.’ "

Kennedy said Roe Lach gave general answers at first, but Chizik’s persistence forced her into a bigger statement — that the N.C.A.A. was still investigating Auburn.

"I’m not sure she wanted it to be that way," Kennedy said. "I’m speculating, but it seemed like a situation where she was like, ‘Do I go left or do I go right here?’ "

So it wasn't LSU's Trent Johnson or Vanderbilt's Kevin Stallings, both of whom share a milquetoast demeanor and can enchant the vibe of happy hour like drying paint. No, it was the be-jort'ed id of college coaching, who took momentary pause from scouting the SanDestin Hilton lobby bar for potential members of that evening's "wrecking crew" ("DAMN RIGHT I'M LOOKING IN YOUR DIRECTION, JAMES FRANKLIN. I'VE GOT A FIFTH OF KNOB CREEK SAYS YOU LET THAT TIGER BLOOD LOOSE ALL OVER THE FLORABAMA LINE , BROTHER**"), to tell the Grey Lady how Chizik lacked a certain level of tact in airing grievances in the wrong venue.

* - Not every film reference has to feature one of the "Lord of the Rings" films. We suggest you expand the horizons of your snarky reference material with the gritty cinema of the 1970s.

** - Of course Andy Kennedy enjoys a Charlie Sheen reference, and when he does, you're stunned at how it's suddenly not as cliched.

Photographs by coka_koehler used in background montage under Creative Commons. Thank you.