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Georgia Tech NCAA Violations: The SEC Offers A Few Notes On Upping Your Controversy Game

We like the hustle of your hustle, Bees, we do, but on behalf on America's most corrupt and self-inflated footbaw conference, we're still not convinced you're cut from quite the same illicit cloth. A few observations on your latest solid yet unspectacular round of probation:

1. Nobody Noticed. Round our house, we feverishly stoke the passions of a nearby rival until a solid 1,000-plus retired white men are "working" around the clock on message boards, feverishly Googling suspicious half-truths, misconstruing poorly phrased quotes from your coaches and administrators and anonymously forwarding Facebook status updates of our players to local newspaper reporters. Those idiots in Athens got you again - Gah, where U @, UGA? Get'n mad about Awbarn? OK COOL.

2. Zero Moral Outrage Fodder*. Show me that cliche'd smoking gun of the dirty 'crooter - a duffel bag of cash. Show me a fussy little foreign made sports car that, while impossibly lacking in leg room to comfortably seat a future NFL quarterback, is coveted solely because of Vin Diesel movies. As of now, no player benefited from the alleged wrongdoings to anything more than half a gift bag from a pre-New Year's cold weather bowl. That's not going to inspire misinformed outrage from an otherwise distracted New York media pool.

3. Spicy, But Not Enough Defiance Flavor. There is such a thing as over-seasoning a great steak, but while we at the Internet like to think Johnson is the definition of indignation, he's yet to opt for an out-and-out fuck you quote to the NCAA, nor proselytize to a worried fan base that outside those chapel doors, nothing but traitors and sinners lurk. Although, we like the cut of this young man's jib.

4. Genuine, Irony-Free Outrage From Players. You haven't let the local Chevy dealer cop that comemerative ring yet, player? That's, uh, really inspiring, but we're gonna need a minimum of 15 percent of a championship team's roster making their jewelry available online before we can consider a future application.

On behalf of the SEC, good luck in your future miscreant endeavors, and if you're ever in need of further instruction, you know how to find us. 

Yours in self-justified arrogance,

The Southeastern Conference

* We're not ignoring the fact that GTI impeded NCAA investigators - THAT'S HOW YOU PLAY THE D - but no one gets mad when you lie to the police. See also the long-established  "snitches, stitches" administrative policy.

Photographs by coka_koehler used in background montage under Creative Commons. Thank you.