Asante Samuel is leaving Philadelphia for Atlanta, and most of the Eagles media and fans understand it's more a matter of cap space than anything else. Except for the Philadelphia Daily News' Marcus Hayes, who's thrown all of Samuel's crap out in the yard and is now smoking a cigarette in a nightgown while crying during the rest of the breakup montage.
Samuel could be a less-than-advertised asset for the Falcons, but it's a no-risk endeavor (even if he disappoints, he's as good as a seventh round pick is worth), and the insane level of Hayes' vitriol convinces us he had to have been one of the media Samuel locked out of the Eagles facility for being "too negative," but even that incident can't justify this extreme level of butthurt.
We could copy and paste this entire article - in the true-to-form twilight of the print sports columnist, it's just a barrage of single line puns and hyperbolic THIS IS A FACT type declarations. Here's a few choice cuts, but don't deprive yourself the entire work, either:
For every pick he turned into six, he gave up 10 touchdowns.
Asante Samuel was a fraud, wrapped in a mirage, inside an illusion.
He had the hands of a receiver and the tackling skills of a quarterback.
Sorry, quarterbacks.
Ten, really? Samuel had one pick-six in 2011, so by Hayes' math, he was responsible for 2/3 of all touchdowns thrown against the Eagles last year (15).
Not that Samuel is unprofessional. Samuel's preparation for games is legendary - because, after all, the more you prepare, the weaker you can play.
Uh... wut? Those pro athletes who study film the hardest slack off on game day? That's an adage of pro football we've heard hundreds and hundreds of never times. Then again, Peyton Manning sat on his ass for a WHOLE YEAR that one time...
Samuel has made a career out of anticipation. Not winning battles for balls; not covering tightly and physically, risking a dislocated finger or a sprained knee.
He is the master of the deflected interception; the king of right place, right time. He jumps routes like a kid jumps rope.
God, that sounds terrible - the whole preparing really hard to know where to be when a ball's deflected and you create a turnover part.
And then there was the mouth.
Always, the mouth; always, running.
Good for sports writers; bad for coaches.
THAT BASTARD, what with breaking out of the vanilla mold of flak-speak from NFL stars and giving you genuine topics to write about at the expense of his own reputation.
Is this irony, or is this karma: In the past two seasons, Samuel made a genuine effort to tackle better. And more frequently. And less cowardly.
And was hurt. Twice.
HAHAHA, YOU BRITTLE LITTLE PANSY. Injuries? God, what a sign of a loafing yet hard studying guy who creates turnovers but doesn't hit like Tommy Nobis. What is he, a cornerback?
To be clear, Asante actually means "thank you" in Swahili.
Samuel should send a bouquet to the Eagles. On the card, he should inscribe:
Asante. Asante, very much.
Judges? Yes, kinda racist, but it's an island culture with no equity in American pop culture, so Hayes should slide.
Besides: Clearly Samuel won't hit Hayes in retaliation.
(Nailed it, newspaper style)
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