Badger Sirs and Madams: This is a consolation letter we SEC loyalists take no pride in writing, yet in the wake of five consecutive national titles, a "friendly" loss such as this one is to be expected (/gently pats your metaphorical head). Congrats on the Russell Wilson commitment.
Honestly, we've got no real quarrel with you, Badgers: The heart of SEC's Big Ten/B1G loathing lies east of Chicago - Big 10 fan bases like yourselves and Iowa are simply our displaced spiritual cousins. Your gruesome disregard of dietary guidelines and funny accents are akin to our own customs.
But we'd ask politely that you up your swagger, a term of braggadocio our region's hip-hop artists have perfected in recent decades (ironically, they like to slow the pace down to achieve this confidence, something you're no doubt familiar with). As far as we can tell, there's no hide nor hair of anything to respond to this morning's Birmingham News column that delivers a series of bitterly constructed backhanded compliments to your program:
One thing's for sure. If he's as smooth under center as he is in front of the camera, there's a solid chance that Wisconsin will be the next whipping boy for the SEC in the BCS Championship Game in New Orleans.
Let's see some of that "smack talking" the kids do, Milwakuee Journal Sentinel! This kind of soft spoken reserve is why we love you rural midwesterners, but your lack of showy, short-sighted arrogance makes us doubt your commitment to our little game of Sparkle Motion. You landed one of our own, and when one of our own desperately needed him to ensure a winning season.
Sure, it was an appended recruitment of a Southerner that took place during warm weather months and not the dead of January (Madison: Look! You Can See Grass!). And ignore the conceit that one-year transfers are looking for the system best suited to improve their NFL Draft stock - Jeremiah Masoli sure did LULZ - and that Wisconsin's pro system bests a Mahlzahnified spread. You won. You so won.
Consider this an across the board coup, and a promotion to the de facto pick for the Big 10 Championship - there's a game for that this time! We were all kind of sick of Auburn, too, so we've got no reason to quarrel...
Wait, what's this? HEY, HEY! ENTIRE AMERICAN NEWS MEDIA! LOOKIT! THEY HAVE RACIAL ISSUES! IT'S NOT JUST US!
I swear to God, if it's not the empty calorie treat of a John Grisham novel, nobody swallows the far reaching complexities of race relations in this country. Screw you forever, Yankees.