Ole Miss (1-2, 0-1 SEC) vs. Georgia (1-2, 0-1 SEC)
When: 12:21pm ET
TV: The SEC Network
Line: Georgia (-10)
Don’t Watch This: You people should be ashamed, starting a backloaded day of SEC football by tuning into this crap show of competency just hoping it costs a man his job. Have you no dignity? You could accomplish something with your lives, but instead you’ll watch these two noble, Christian men who are in no way grossly underperforming related to their wage feel the wrath of this recession.
Alabama (3-0, 0-0 SEC) vs. Arkansas (3-0, 0-0 SEC)
When: 3:30pm ET
TV: CBS
Line: Alabama (-11)
Don’t Watch This: If this is arguably the SEC game of the week, well then good God, let’s just start sending ESPN3 crews to the eastern coast of Africa. Surely there’s some skirmish between food-hoarding warlords worth Verne’s play-by-play. If the Cold War and its film adaptations taught us anything, all Russian women are incredibly attractive and usually/always trying to poison you. It also stated that better the evil you know, so go Bama, we suppose, because Nick Saban is an asshole.
Kentucky (2-1, 0-0 SEC) vs. Florida (3-0, 1-0 SEC)
When: 7pm ET
TV: ESPN
Line: Florida (-19.5)
Don’t Watch This: Anything can happen in college football! Except Kentucky winning this game, ever, ever, ever! The concept of unpredictability as a selling point for this sport is not without its limits, and that limit is Wildcat football. Florida ONLY has a 23-game winning streak in this series, which means UK has beaten the Gators more recently than, say, Tennessee, but Florida doesn’t even flirt around.
South Carolina (3-0, 1-0 SEC) vs. Vanderbilt (3-0, 1-0 SEC)
When: 7pm ET
TV: ESPN2
Line: South Carolina (-15.5)
Don’t Watch This: Hi there, Mr. Franklin: We don’t need a Northwestern. We’re good, thanks. It’s been adorable up until this point (aw, they chewed up our Ole Miss… /shrugs), but if Vandy’s capable of denting the seasons of legitimate SEC Championship contenders, it doesn’t matter how cute they look, even if they lay on their back and do human things.
Mississippi State (1-2, 0-2 SEC) vs. Louisiana Tech (1-2)
When: 7pm ET
TV: ESPNU
Line: Mississippi State (-19.5)
Don’t Watch This: This won’t be an upset, because we don’t have Sly Croom to patronize for racial quotas and his faith in the west coast offense. This is why you need terrible coaches in your conference, people – there’s nothing incompetent about Dan Mullen, and therefore nothing interesting about this game. Still lusting for Houston Nutt to be fired?
Auburn (2-1, 1-0 SEC) vs. Florida Atlantic (0-2)
When: 7pm ET
TV: FSN Regional
Line: Auburn (-31.5)
Don’t Watch This: "Why is everyone doubting Auburn? They’re 3-1 headed to the heart of their schedule." This is happening next week, all week, across all forms of media. One can only hope the karma payout is festering like a pimple, a pimple apt to explode in the wayward trajectory of an abused and neglected pet eagle.
LSU (3-0, 1-0 SEC) vs. West Virginia (3-0)
When: 8pm ET
TV: ABC
Line: LSU (-5.5)
Don’t Watch This: Excited about the disastrous potential of these two fan bases meeting up? Don’t be – Like a teenager freebasing household cleaners, LSU will only strive to match this high once they encounter Morgantown’s coonass inoculated psycho honky fan base. Aside from the fact the game won’t even be close, this entire event will only prove to give your friendly neighborhood Tiger fan a professional tips clinic on increasing their mania.